This post is part of a series on lessons I’ve learned through my studies of Karate that I’ve found apply well to other areas of my life. To read the first post of the series, click here.
As I’ve said before, I’ve been training karate for over three years now. Not long by any means, but long enough to have recognized that there are lessons I’ve learned in the dojo that apply to other areas of my life. Last time, we talked about the principle of Shu-Ha-Ri. This time, we’ll focus on the quote at the top of this post. It hangs on the wall in my dojo, and it’s a quote I find myself returning to over and over again. Heads-up: this one’s a little sappy, so brace yourself.
On the surface, it’s a lesson in self-defense. One of the core tenets of karate is to do as little harm as possible. As my sensei is fond of saying, “you don’t fight to win, you fight to not lose.” The goal is to defend yourself effectively while leaving the other guy as intact as you can safely manage. Fair enough, pretty straightforward. It doesn’t take much of a stretch of the mind though, to realize that this quote reaches much further than that.
In Business
As far as I can see, the quote offers advice for life in general. Let me offer a few examples though, with business as the first one. Who would you prefer working with, someone who is almost always friendly and easygoing, or someone who is constantly hard-nosed and difficult? Who would you rather buy from in that case? Easy choices; being nice is just good business. So why then, do so many people insist on putting on a façade when they step into the office?
There’s obviously more than one answer to that question, but I suspect that one reason is another quote we’ve all heard, and that I’m not fond of: “Nice guys finish last.” When I was younger, I was taught, in school and at work, that you need to have your shields up all the time, or risk someone capitalizing on your “vulnerability.” I took it at face value at the time, and I know plenty of other people who still believe that.
I don’t. Not anymore. In fact, I think that as the way we work continues to shift and change, that quote is going to fade into the sunset, where it belongs. See, here’s what I’ve noticed: people sometimes confuse kindness for weakness. They’re not the same thing. And that’s the beauty of this post’s quote: it outlines why these two things aren’t equal. To say that “nice guys finish last” implies that nice guys can’t have a hard side sitting there in the shadows, dormant until it’s needed. It is fully possible to be a kind-hearted person who’s able to call on the soul of a lion when necessary. But again, the goal is minimal damage; in this case, to the other person’s ego and to your relationship with them. Be as hard as the world forces you to, and as soft as it allows you to be.
In Personal Relationships
I’m no expert when it comes to relationships, but something I’ve learned over the years is that you need to respect yourself before you can be respected by others. Being hard in this example means knowing yourself, knowing what you stand for, and being willing to defend that. The quote in this case talks about being flexible on issues of little importance to you, yet firm on those that are. If need be, it also means being willing to let go of the relationship when the time comes, if that flexibility is taken for granted or abused. I’ve had to do that in the past, and it’s always been with a heavy heart, but when you know yourself and your values, you know when a relationship (friendship or otherwise) has run its course.
At that point, the best thing for both parties is to shake hands and part ways. As I’ve come to understand myself and what’s important to me better, I’ve learned to be accepting of the fact that people will come and go in your life. I don’t see it as a failure on my part, but as part of the natural flow of things. And that acceptance has also led me to appreciate the relationships I have in the now more deeply. It’s hard to take things for granted when you know it may not be permanent!
Now I can imagine the comments at this point by people who may misinterpret my words, so let me get out in front of that: I’m not advocating giving up on a relationship when the going gets tough. Especially when it comes to your significant other. Life gets hard sometimes, and it’ll take work to keep things going. That work is worth putting in. It builds character and strengthens the relationship.
No, what I was talking about is different. The difference is in both sides’ views on what the future looks like.
If you’re both sailing toward the same destination, and this is just a storm you need to get through, then you’ll get through, because you agree on where you’re going. The challenge is when you don’t agree on the destination; you want to sail to Argentina, and they want to head to Alaska. I’m speaking metaphorically here of course, but I hope my point is clear. Ultimately, you’ll need to part ways in that case, if you both want to get to where you’re trying to go. Hardness here is being willing to make that call.
Wrapping it up
Have you ever watched bamboo in the wind? It’s rigid, but it also bends and flows with the breeze, rather than trying to resist and remain perfectly still. I’ve always loved that reference, and it applies here too. Be as hard as the world forces you to be, and as soft as it allows you to. It’s not just for karate. Know yourself, know what you stand for, and defend it when the situation calls for it. But whenever possible, be kind and generous towards others; it’s amazing what happens when you are. I find that when I start with kindness, I am rarely disappointed in the character of others. People are generally good, kind and honest, and life is a whole lot easier, happier and more fun when you start there, instead of with suspicion and aggression.
If you really want to get esoteric with this thought, consider this: how do you know when the world is forcing you to be hard? Where does that line sit? And can you move it? I don’t think there are any hard answers to those questions, but I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!