The term masculinity has somewhat of a negative connotation in today’s society: it’s usually accompanied by the word “toxic,” and conjures up outdated imagery of a Schwarzenegger-esque macho man who closes himself off emotionally and always has the right answer to everything. At the end of the day, masculinity is a term that is given meaning by the views of society, and there’s no denying that society’s definition of masculinity has (thankfully) shifted away from the stereotype I mentioned above. But what exactly has it shifted to?
The short answer is I have no freaking clue.
Even researching the subject turns up wildly varying views on what masculinity means today. Some say it’s about vulnerability; others say the terms “masculinity” and “femininity” are dead and should be abolished. And it’s no wonder nobody really agrees; when I try to think of what masculinity means to me, I have a hard time answering myself.
A good starting place is to look at the adjectives that historically have defined masculinity: strength, confidence, courage, and so on. Have those changed? Are they no longer applicable? I don’t think so. What I think has changed are how we apply those adjectives.
Strength
Strength in the context of masculinity used to be all about the physical: how big and strong are you? Bigger is better, and if you’re not big and strong, you’re weak. And that viewpoint made sense… you know, back when putting food on the table meant going out and hunting it first. Hell, it even made some sense when most of the jobs out there were physical in nature.
Now though? Now we’re living in the knowledge economy, where more and more people have desk jobs. Physical strength is no longer a mandatory, though we should all be working at it.
No, I think it makes more sense today to take a more holistic view of how strength applies to masculinity. It’s not just about the physical, it’s about the mental side too. Men are far more likely to commit suicide than women, and men who associate strength with being tough and bottling up their emotions are twice as likely to commit suicide as those who don’t. If that’s the case, are those things really strength?
How about we reframe what it means to be strong to include having the inner strength to open up a bit and be vulnerable? How about we be ok with showing people that we’re not always ok? Lifting the emotional weight we place on ourselves takes every bit as much strength as lifting weights at the gym. We’re all human here – it’s time to stop pretending like we’re anything beyond that.
Confidence
Confidence is another adjective that I think benefits from a bit of reframing. Confidence used to be all about what you project outward: it was all about having all the answers and being overtly sure of yourself. In fact, that definition of confidence is still prevalent in corporate culture in North America.
That view once again ignores the inner self though. It ignores the men (and the women too, obviously, but we’re talking masculinity here) who quietly believe in themselves and their capabilities without feeling compelled to show the world just how confident they are.
It also ignores those who have enough confidence in themselves to admit to others that they don’t have all the answers. Again, this shows its face all the time at the office. We live in changing times, and the pace of change is accelerating. Who can possibly have all the answers in an environment like that? Nobody, that’s who. Pretending like you do isn’t confidence; it’s arrogance.
Ultimately, I believe confidence to be less about what you project outward, and more about the inner dialogue you have with yourself. Does the voice in your head have your back? If your self-talk is positive, then as far as I’m concerned you’ve got more confidence than the fraud down the street who’s making bold declarations and hoping to god nobody sees through the façade.
Courage
The notion of courage, and the changes to what it means today, are closely related to strength and confidence. Mark Twain once wrote that courage isn’t the absence of fear; it is acting in spite of it. Those words are as true today as they’ve ever been, but again, I think we can broaden what we mean by courage as it applies to masculinity.
To do that, we need to once again go beyond the physical. Courage isn’t just standing up to the guy who’s hassling your girl at the bar – that definitely takes courage, though. Courage also looks like the manager who doesn’t avoid the difficult conversations at the office. It’s admitting you don’t have all the answers, and then moving forward to find a solution despite that uncertainty.
Hell, as far as I’m concerned, it’s hitting the “publish” button on this post knowing full well that there are a lot of guys stuck in their own personal cages that will disagree with what I’m saying here. And hey, that’s fine – I’m presenting one guy’s viewpoint. I think any discussion on the subject is healthy, because at least we’re talking about it.
Wrapping it Up
I noticed a trend as I was writing about each of the three traditionally-masculine traits. One, all of them benefit by turning them inward and opening up their definitions to include the mental side of the equation. And two, none of those adjectives are “owned” by men – women benefit from adopting them too, just as men benefit from adopting traditionally feminine traits like empathy, kindness and caring.
I think dividing our views of gender that way is busted, and sets our kids up for all kinds of mental struggles as they grow up with those viewpoints. The question I was trying to answer to myself, though, is “If those traits aren’t inherently masculine, then what the hell is?”
Thinking on it further though, maybe that’s the wrong question entirely. Maybe the right question is “Why do we feel so compelled to divide things into masculine and feminine in the first place?”
As you can clearly see, I don’t pretend to have all the answers. But I’m interested in the conversation sparked by asking the right questions. So what about you, how do you define masculinity? Talk to me in the comments.
