Earlier this week I watched a fantastic Ted talk on the subject of happiness versus meaning. The speaker, Emily Esfahani, talked about how she used to think that happiness was the end game in life – it was what we should be aspiring to.
Studying psychology, however, taught her that meaning might just be a far more gratifying pursuit. She spoke about how meaning is made up of four pillars, and I found her talk really interesting. I’ll summarize her comments in today’s post, adding my own thoughts and commentary along the way.
Pillar #1: Belonging
The first pillar, belonging, is all about relationships. The message was that cultivating positive, close-knit relationships with others around gives you a place where you’re valued for who you are, and not what you do for work, what you own or believe, or who you know.
These relationships could (and usually do) form in many different places: with family, friends, coworkers, volunteer and religious groups, and so on. But in all cases, the key to them being meaningful is that they come from a genuine place of mutual love and appreciation.
Pillar #2: Purpose
The second pillar, purpose, is what we usually think about when we think of meaning. To me, purpose is about using your strengths to serve others in a positive and meaningful way. When I think about purpose, the examples that come up include things like a teacher who got into the profession because they have a knack for bringing out the best in kids; the chef whose creations bring tears to peoples’ eyes; or even the parent who wants nothing more than to raise kids who are more successful than they are.
Pillar #3: Transcendence
Pillar number three involves engaging in things, whether it’s an art form, hobby, or something else, that seem to fade your sense of self, time and space into the background… almost as if they’re part of your peripheral vision.
Sometimes people refer to it as a “flow state,” that state of being where you’re so immersed in something that you simply lose track of time. For me, that’s my writing, it’s my photography, and it’s my karate. When I’m immersed in any of those things, my mind is focused on literally nothing else… which is an awesome feeling, considering it’s usually so overactive that I can’t even focus on things properly.
Pillar #4: Storytelling
Emily’s final pillar was all about the story you tell yourself about yourself. What narrative do you choose to believe? The example in the talk focuses on those who experience a tragedy. There are two main ways to view life before and after that tragedy: as though life was good before the tragedy and now it’s bad, or as though life was shallow and pointless, and now it’s not.
You don’t have to have experienced a life-changing tragedy like a sports injury to be affected by the story you tell yourself, though. Do you believe in fate? Do you believe that life is out of your hands, and whatever happens, happens? What if you changed the narrative? What if you told yourself you had some control?
It can be scary, because it means that you’d have to take responsibility for the state of your life. But it’s also liberating, because it means you, and you alone, also have the power to change it for the better.
Wrapping it Up
When I finished watching the talk, I found myself agreeing with the pillars of meaning that Emily outlined, more or less. I wonder, though: are happiness and meaning two different things, or does finding meaning just provide a clear path toward finding happiness? What do you think? Tell me your thoughts in the comments!
